Shall I weave a spell to awaken the dream-like stupor of life and make it rush throughout me? What was that Claire said in Elizabethtown again, ‘I think I’ve been asleep most of my life.’
Not that I am the same. Well, I guess, just half asleep. I’ve been half asleep because I got exhausted trying to simmer down. No, that is actually an overstatement on my part for truthfully, I’ve been calm most of my life. Too calm and half asleep. What impulses I might have, say a dash to the meadow or a hike through the mountain or winding dusty roads, must be curbed down to protect myself from severe allergy attacks, a borne skin condition of which I am as helpless as anyone to prevent. Sometimes it comes, sometimes not. A rather unpredictable thing if I dare say like a soldier fronting its defenses against an enemy he does not know when or where to appear.
Feelings of thrill and exhilaration are quite taken in small doses for I have never pushed my physical self to the limit nor exhaust the boundaries of my strength. And over the years this constraint had somehow overflowed and attached itself to the inner workings of my mind like a thin thread that is thickening as time passes and as I grow older. I have started to think cautiously, too, even in my mind which have reflected in turn through my actions. I have played safe way before and now too safe.
Sometimes, I stare out the windows, dreaming of a different life, a different self where I could be as adventurous as I dream to be but even that I restrain for I don’t want to dwell on these thoughts for long. I am here and I am alive and breathing and appreciating beauty like this lovely photo by Nishe. Perhaps I need not a spell after all. Perhaps I would just take the tea to settle myself in, light a candle for peace of mind, read more books and the dry leaves, I will probably take out to the trash. Best to avoid dry leaf allergens.